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These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff. If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.
ENJOY!
THE
WISE WOMAN’S STONE
A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a
stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman
opened her bag to share her food.
The
hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him.
She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth
enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to
return the stone to the wise woman.
"I've
been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give
it back in the hope that you can give me
something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you
to give me the stone."
There
once was a young man who professed a desire to become a great writer. When
asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain,
desperation, and anger!"
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He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Moral: Be very specific with your goals--you might just get what
you ask for.
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden....POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She
said, "I am Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life! As a matter
of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Pete.
"Pete!
Where are you?"
Pete yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussy Willows."
Dave yells back.... "DON'T SWING, PETE!!!"
"For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!!"
On
Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to
him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to
issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's
a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid,
the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the
horse, instead of on top."
Bullfrogs
& Blowjobs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the
clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say
it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
When she explained Fogy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical
and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to
perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied,
“If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"
A
doctor Office
This
beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled
over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out
the window...
He
tells her to take down her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do
you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes,
checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He
tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins
rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she
replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally,
he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her
and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am
doing now?"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you’re giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls!!”
Cucumber
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?" she exclaimed.
Jamaican Tattoo
A young man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
New Sex Study...
It has been determined; the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged........ since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. .........The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung Himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom........... I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He DID NOT hang himself............... I put him there to dry........... Now... How soon can I go home?"
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way ... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Nail
On The Wall
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess it’s to hang up your pants."
One
evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on
inside him.
He said, "My son, it is between 2 wolves.
One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego...
The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith..."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one You feed."
Rectum
stretcher
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the
limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I
replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a
rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!
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