You have probably read every one of these jokes and you have probably seen all the pictures

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TWO PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled ...."Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large
sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Pick Up Some Olives

Gilson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them
in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the man started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what Gilson had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the man, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."

She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster. By now he's up to ninety mph.

"All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says, "The airbag."

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the headlines read: Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

Every few minutes, some guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her breasts, reach up her dress, grind against her butt. And Bubba just sits there like nothing is happening.

Finally, a guy sitting next to Bubba leans over and says, "Man, don't you see what the hell is happening?"

Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An 'ID Ten T' error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

What Do You Call A Boomerang That doesn’t come back?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be
out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?)

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card.

She informed me that she couldn't complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's
why we ask!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to down-sizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side
door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -I already got that side."

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE SMARTER?!!!

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

A young man walks into a whorehouse. Embarrassingly, he admits to the madam that he's a virgin without ANY experience.

Kindly patting his hand, she says, "Now sugar don't you worry about a thing, I have just the darlin' for you!” Taking him to an upstairs room, she instructs him to undress and wait on the bed.

Moments later a scantily clad, beautiful redhead enters. "Honey, your every wish is my command, I'm going to make some suggestions and you decide what you might like". She tells him the many things they can do, the missionary position, sixty-nine, anal sex.

"Heck, that sixty-nine one sounds pretty good," he replies. They assume the position and commence. Unfortunately the hooker's lunch of Mexican food is starting to repeat on her. Try as she might she can't help but to fart. The smell was quite bad and she snuck a peek at her client. Luckily he didn't appear to notice and they continued.

Minutes later, she farted again and this one smelled even worse. Again, the young man didn't seem fazed.

Feeling a little apologetic, the hooker asked, "Honey, how are you liking this, is everything o.k?”

"Oh yes mam", he replied, "It's GREAT, but I don't know if I can take 67 more of those!”

One day three brother's are down in the basement playing. They come across a carton of BB's that went along with their father's old Red Rider BB Gun. Since their father had the BB Gun locked away upstairs, they decided to just put the BB's in their mouths and spit them at each other.

They were having a pretty fun time, but every once in a while they would each swallow a few while they were running and romping around. Pretty soon they moved on to other activities and cleaned up the remainder of the BB's.

After a few hours, one of the boys runs from the bathroom to his mother screaming, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I'M PISSING BB's." Confused, his mother sends him to his room to lay down for a while.

A few minutes later, the second of the brother's run's out of the bathroom screaming, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I'M PISSING BB's." Perplexed, the mother sends the second boy to his room also. She sits a few minutes while she plans what to ask her two sons about the matter.

Then, the third brother runs up the basement stairs screaming, "MOMMY, MOMMY." The mother interrupts, "Let me guess, you're pissing BB's?" The boy replies, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"