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Honeymoon
A
newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the
Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a
shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark
naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this and
liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether
she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The
second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight
woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of
watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of
his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to
sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife again
refuses.
This
continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon.
Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to
persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and
enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it
feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"
IN
HIS BRIEFCASE
A
business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in
putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a
trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly,
"It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there,
it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be
protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it
for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"
An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22 year-old woman."
The young man asks, "What's wrong with that?"
Between his sobs he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Jury Duty
A guy receives a letter to server jury duty. He talks to anyone in power explaining how he just cannot do it. They all tell him he will have to explain his reasons to the Judge. When his turn to address the Judge arises, this conversation follows:Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I just CAN'T possibly be away from my job that long your Honor!
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
MEDICAL
TERMS THAT A BLOND USES
Anti-Body...
against everyone
Artery... study of paintings
Bacteria... back door to a cafeteria
Barium... what to do when treatment fails
Bowel... letters lik A E I O or U
Caesarean Section... a district in Rome
Cardiology... advanced study of poker playing
Cat Scan... searching for ones lost kitty
Cauterize... made eye contact with her
Colic... sheep dog
Enema... not a friend
Fester... quicker
Genes... blue denim slacks
Hangnail... coat hook
Impotent... distinguished, well known
Inpatient... tired of waiting
Labor Pain... hurt at work Medical
Staff... a doctor's cane
Minor Operation... coal digging
NOT
HORNY
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks
straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest
woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Polly
or Jack
A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members.
He had narrowed it down to
one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.
It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.
Polly
came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and
getting no sleep. She went to the
cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.
The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
Remember
A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and
she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."
SEX
QUIZ
Q.)
What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your pay packet and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay packet!
Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A.) One hand is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down to make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
SIMPLE
SIGNALS
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can't see each other using sign language.
After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to
find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50
times."
Texas
Hunters
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The
other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. But first, lets make sure he's dead."
"OK", the hunter says.... He puts down the phone, then there is a
silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
This to That
Joe was sitting as usual, his back leaning against the wall of his friend Pete's
shack. Then Pete came out of the shack with a butterfly in his hand.
"Hey Pete," Joe called, "where are you going with the butterfly?"
"I'm going to get some butter."
"You're an idiot," Joe scoffed. "Butter doesn't come from butterflies."
But a few minutes later, to Joe's astonishment, Pete returned with a pot of butter.
The next day, Pete hurried out with a jar of horseflies.
"Where are you going?" Joe asked.
"To get horses," Pete said.
Joe couldn't stop laughing until Pete came back an hour later leading two beautiful stallions.
The next day, Joe saw Pete walking out of his shack carrying a handful of weeds.
"What’s that?"
he called out.
"Pussy willow," Pete answered.
"Hold on!" Joe roared, leaping to his feet. "I'm coming with you!"
YARD
SALE
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood.
Suddenly
he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed
another couple
over behind a tree. Then he saw another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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