You have probably read every one of these jokes and you have probably seen all the pictures

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One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.

But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked... "Out of what?"

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!

The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'

BIGGER
A man walks in to a pub and there is a big jar of money on the counter, the man asks the bartender " what's that jar full of money for?"

The bartender replies" the money goes to the person who can make my chicken laugh."

The man asks the bartender if he can try. He goes into see the chicken...5 minuets later he comes out and the chicken is pissing itself laughing.

2 weeks later he comes back to the same pub. The bartender asks the man if he can stop the chicken from laughing, the guy tells him he'll try.

He goes in to see the chicken.. 5 minuets later he comes back out with the chicken crying.

The man replies "well I made him laugh by telling him I had a bigger pecker then him...and I made him cry by proving it."

Birthday Cake
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just
getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?

"No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer.

"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account."

"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

Checking The Truck

The doctor told Jack that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if
he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Coach Trip

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides
on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and
clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Dinner for One
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that
if she accepts it, she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads:

"Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."

Dreams

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.
What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

Feeling Frisky

The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.

"Now listen, Luke," the doctor advised, "you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses.
Show her how much you care."

"Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it
off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a- runnin'."

About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed.

"What's wrong" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?"

"Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer.
"I haven't seen her since."