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These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff.  If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.  

ENJOY!

Mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." 

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Neighborhood Watch

Jim and Tori decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their nine-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." 

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

ONLY THREE DAYS

Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. 

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. 

The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

Phone Call

"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?" 

The male voice at the other end whispered obscenely, "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." 

"Scheesch! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos?"

S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. 

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" 

Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." 

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." 

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Speech Problem

A man goes to see his doctor, who is a plastic surgeon and says: "Doctor, I've got thish sherioush shpeech
problem and it'sh driving me crazy!"

So the doctor examines this poor guy and says, "I know exactly what your problem is... your penis is too long, sir. See, it somehow connects with your tongue and presses down your throat causing your speech problem."

The guy then says, "I don't care! Cut if off then!" 

And so the doctor does, of course. 

Two weeks later, that same guy comes back to his doctor and says, "Doctor, my speech is fine now, but my sex life sucks...it's pathetic! You have to sew it back on!"

And the doctor answers, "Are you sherioush? It'sh absholutely out of the queshtion!!!!!"

Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. 

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." 

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

The Bet

Old lady staggers into the Capital Bank of New York asking to see the manager, as she wanted to deposit a large amount of cash. Eventually she gets to see him and tells him that she wants to deposit $10,000 into a new account.

 "Can I ask how you got this money?” he asks. 

"Yes, I like to gamble,” says the little old lady. 

"On what" he asks. 

"Ooh, anything and everything" she says. 

"I too am a gambling man.... Do you have anything I might be interested in?" he questions. 

"Well yes" she says "I’ll bet you one million dollars that you have got square balls" 

"What?!?!?" he asks confused. 

"I’ll bet you one million dollars that you have got square balls - but as we are talking a lot of money then I’ll have to bring my solicitor as a witness" 

"Okay" says the manager knowing fine well that his balls are round "Your on." 

"Fine, see you at Ten in the morning then" says the old lady before leaving. 

Next morning the little old lady walks into the bank manager’s office with her solicitor and says: "Drop your trousers then" 

The bank manager does as he is told while the little lady inspects his balls. 

The bank manager then sees the solicitor banging his head against the wall and asks the little old lady what is wrong with him. 

"Ohh, don’t worry about him - I bet him ten million that I’d be feeling the bank managers balls in the morning"

THE GENIE

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, “where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" 

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. 

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?

The Parrot

An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

 The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. 

She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

 Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! 

The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." 

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" 

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder. 

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fu*kin' windy, too!"

To Much Time at the Bar

 A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. 

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. 

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!"
she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Tree Story

A small tree begins to grow between them. 

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

 The birch says he cannot tell. 

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

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