recycled email jokes

These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff. If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime.

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after
Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's
bigger, or what?"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it back to the man.

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl."

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Louisville. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, and labs, and had a solid "A" going into the final. They were so confident that the weekend before finals (the chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Kentucky and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, they overslept on Sunday and didn't make it back to Louisville until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they found their professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went up to the University of Kentucky for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back. They didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time and that's why they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final the following day.

The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to take the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They each looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was a simple question about morality and solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They answered the question and then turned the page. They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points)—Which tire?

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "'Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays."

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,
knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted,
resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.
"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."