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These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff.  If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.  

ENJOY!

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven."

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell.

The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first joke!"

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

The rancher thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees'. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just let him ask the questions and I'll answer as best I can."

After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it.

She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece."

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."
 

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Amy and Jamie are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb.

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Bubba's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker - Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

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