You have probably read every one of these jokes and you have probably seen all the pictures

These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff. If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

The rancher thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees'. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just let him ask the questions and I'll answer as best I can."

After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven."

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell.

The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first joke!"

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
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"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
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"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
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"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

11. On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She of course froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again!

She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear.

The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?'

'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!'

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy,

"Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "No."

The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,