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These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff.  If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.  

ENJOY!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

"I'd like to speak to my horse." Says The Lone Ranger.

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's
ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

"I'd like to speak to my horse . . . alone."

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, very
slowly and loudly "Listen carefully, now for the last time. I said 'BRING POSSE'!"

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

The man says, "What was that for?"

His wife replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it?"

He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He angrily yells, "What the hell was that for this time?"

His wife replies, "Your horse called."

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to
kill any of the farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like shit!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light beaming off it's polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" exclaimed the horrified hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

"That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".

"Wow, how did you guess?”

“I didn't feel a thing"

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral ' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone."

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

 "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 "Oh yeah?” the guy asks, "Then, answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

 "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my Willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

 "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.  I'd be a great companion."

 The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20 just make the guy an offer!"

 The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

 The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

 "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

 "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.  "THEN what happened?"

 "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.                                                                                                       

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

 "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"?

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"?

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

3 guys go for dinner; each buys a $10 steak. At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and give it to the waitress.

She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back."

So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.

Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27. The waitress kept $2. This totals $29.

Where did the last dollar go?

 I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill, it sang a song so lovely so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. It sang of far off places of laughter and of fun, it seemed it's very chirping, brought up the morning sun.  I stirred beneath the covers and crept slowly out of bed.  I gently closed the window and crushed it's head.

Most Functional Word

 Well, it's shit........That's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

 With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

 You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

 Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.

There is bullshit, horseshit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

 You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

 You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

 Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

 You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and others you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

 And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, that is, if you give a shit!!

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