You have probably read every one of these jokes and you have probably seen all the pictures

These are JOKES and do not represent the beliefs or morals of our staff. If you are offended by anything written here, that's your problem and we apologize for your lack of exposure to world cultures. If a joke is copyrighted material, please notify us and it will be removed within 12 hours.

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

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2. Gentle,

relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
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3. Lovemaking

can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

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4. Sex is one of the safest sports

you can take up. It stretches

and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming

20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

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5. Sex

is an instant cure for mild depression.

It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria

and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

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6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered.

The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

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7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

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8. Kissing

each day will keep the dentist away.

Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
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9. Sex

actually relieves headaches.

A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

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10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.

Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

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This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy"

will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

1.Men are like ........Laxatives ....... They irritate the shit out of you.

2.Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4.Men are like ......... Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like ......... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like ......... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like . ... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like ........ Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Bible Salesmen-

    A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

    While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

    So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

    Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

    The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.

    But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

    Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

    He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

    He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

    Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

    Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

    "Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

    Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

    Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

    The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

    Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

    Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

     "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

    Louie just nodded.

    That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

    "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

    Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

    Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

    "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

10 Ways To Treat Mr. Penis

1. You've got to 'introduce' yourself to Mr. Penis, i.e., 'Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet you, big guy!'. Don't dive on him like he's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving Pit Bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2. When (Not 'IF') giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive 'guy'. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who 'Melts' the popsicle first is not the winner.

3. When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're going to do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis is not made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, remember you are not a basketball net, and Mr. Penis is not the ball... your aim is not that good, you're 100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure
Mr. Penis.

4. Hand jobs - When stroking a Mr. Penis don't grab him like a bus rail and start jerking him like you were milking a cow. Don't treat Mr. Penis as a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. Remember friction is the problem... lubrication is the cure.

5. Proper care of Mr. Penis - like anyone you want to keep around for a while you've got to take good care of him just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him - gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6. If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy, refer back to step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7. Never, ever play 'crush the grapes' with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude picture of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8. If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9. If Mr. Penis can't 'throw up' then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him... not everyone can get him to do that.

10. If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, 'Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing... drilling for oil?' Say, 'Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?' And never, never say 'Is it in?".