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THE
GOOD NAPKINS
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One
day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read
the box in the
cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom.
Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for
"special occasions."
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving
to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us
while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special
occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I
had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other
adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for
special occasions!!!"
THE
TWIST
It's
the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop and a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all
the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he ask Carrie's father to
repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to
screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plan for the evening was
beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless
with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!"
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Two
cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your
hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sisters' then you
try and hold on for 8 seconds..."
Virgins Married each other
There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night.
Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one.
First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says, "I had toelio".
She says, "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio".
Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says, "What happened to your knees?" He says, "I had Kneaseles".
And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles".
Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"
A
high school English teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."
A
man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at
the next table. He has been
checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards
him. He reflexively reaches out,
grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to
the theater, followed by drinks.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is
amazed!!! Everything had been incredible!
You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?
No, she replies.........
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(The suspense is killing you, isn't it?)
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...... you
just
happened to catch my eye.
A
HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE
RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE", SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE
FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR"!!!SO HE GOES TO THE
BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE
TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE
REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE".
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
A golfer looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't gonna be your day.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS
THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE
BACK.
THE
BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT
THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T
MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE
CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID
FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE
BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE
CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE
PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE
GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I’M
SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER
MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".